Put Your Hands Up And Back Away From The Soda

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Junk food makes the world go 'round and fulfills our game fueled hunger. But the powers that be are trying to wrest away our God given right to eat whatever the heck we want and it's time for a revolution. The Zombie Apocalypse doesn't seem to be doing so well so let's start the Junk Food Revolution!

We've all been there sitting at our computers, or in front of our big screen television playing games, watching movies or just succumbing to the drivel that gets broadcast on our idiot boxes while fulfilling our inner desire to consume mass quantities of food that would cause most dogs to retch at the thought of eating. It seems that not everyone likes us doing that, and it happens to be the people who make the laws.

In an unprecedented move, Coca Cola decided to run an advertisement where they are taking responsibility for their role in the obesity in American people. Excuse me? I've lived here all my life and never once has anyone forced me at gunpoint to drink a Coke. There was a time, back when I was a teenager, when I was put under peer pressure to drink the contents of a water bong, but as far as I know that has very few calories. Why is Coca Cola taking the blame here? What ever happened to personal responsibility? It's the start of something ominous as they are obviously caving in to pressure from politicians to "help with the problem".

In another brilliant move by the Einstein wannabes who somehow got voted into office in the state of New York, it was decided that to ban any sugary sodas over 16 oz. in size was a good idea. No, I'm not kidding. The Mayor of New York publically stated, "It's time to face the facts: obesity is one of America's most deadly problems, and sugary beverages are a leading cause of it," He went on to say, "As the size of sugary drinks has grown, so have our waistlines -- and so have diabetes and heart disease." In all fairness, it's possible he confused the definition of the word "facts" with the definition of "total BS".

I'm amazed at the insight and the in-depth and thorough evaluations from these politicians. You can't get a 32 oz. soda anymore, but buying two or three 16 oz. sodas and 20 Big Macs is just fine and dandy. Is it me or are we entering some kind of weird, Twilight Zone sort of existence? I guess we will never see that promised 55 gallon drum of soda at the fast food restaurants for which we were so patiently waiting.

Schools in the US are now removing foods that they consider "bad" from the school cafeterias and replacing them with more nutritional and healthy foods. This isn't going over really well in places like high schools where students now get to eat things like sprout salads for lunch. Sprout salad? Are you kidding me? I live in Wisconsin and if a meal does not include a good measure of medium rare animal flesh or a generous helping of Bratwurst, it's just an appetizer. No offense to the vegetarians or vegans out there, we have an abundance of oak leaves and pine needles you can chew on and you can have more than 16 oz. if you want.

What about the rights of the skinny people or the athletes who work out constantly? Those folks who can eat mounds of food and consume copious amounts of high carb drinks and don't gain a pound because their metabolism burns it off faster than they consume it? What about their right to eat whatever they want so they can maintain their weight? In a few years the NFL draft picks are going to look more like Pee-Wee Herman than The Rock.

Okay, before I blow a nut and take a hostage, I think it's time for all us food lovers to tell the people who are trying to fashion us into some kind of restrictive, controlled, fat-free, utopian society to stand up for ourselves, demand the right to eat whatever we want and tell the morons who would deny us those things in life that we enjoy, in the kindest possible way … kiss my asparagus.

Enjoy your Friday evening … pass the Doritos please.